SZN. 4 Ep. 10/ Why You Can Feel Lonely Even When You’re Surrounded by People
Why You Can Feel Lonely Even When You’re Surrounded by People
By: Alexandria Gohla, MSW, LCSW, Ed.S
Loneliness is often misunderstood. We tend to associate it with isolation or lack of social contact, yet many people feel deeply lonely despite being surrounded by others—family, coworkers, friends, or even long-term partners. Research defines loneliness not as being alone, but as the gap between the connection we desire and the connection we experience (Cacioppo & Patrick, 2008). This is why loneliness can persist even in full rooms.
The Hidden Roots of Loneliness
Several common patterns contribute to this experience:
Emotional masking: When you hide your feelings to avoid conflict or rejection, relationships may stay surface-level.
People-pleasing: Constantly prioritizing others’ comfort can erode a sense of being known.
Emotional unavailability: Physical presence without emotional attunement can feel deeply isolating.
Social comparison: Especially around Valentine’s Day, comparing your inner world to others’ curated lives can intensify loneliness.
Therapeutically, loneliness isn’t a sign that something is “wrong” with you—it’s a signal that your nervous system is craving attuned, authentic connection.
Authenticity, Vulnerability, and Safety
Research on intimacy shows that vulnerability fosters closeness—but only in the right contexts. Authentic self-disclosure builds connection when it is met with responsiveness, care, and emotional presence (Reis & Shaver, 1988). When vulnerability is ignored or minimized, loneliness often deepens.
This is why who you open up to matters just as much as how. Therapy often focuses on helping people identify emotionally responsive relationships and pace vulnerability in ways that feel safe rather than exposing.
Steps Toward Deeper Connection
Notice reciprocity. Who checks in, follows up, or makes space for your emotions?
Share one honest feeling. Depth grows through small, truthful moments.
Reduce performance. Ask yourself where you feel pressure to be “easy,” “fun,” or “low-maintenance.”
These shifts won’t eliminate loneliness overnight, but they begin to close the gap between being seen and being known.
Reflection Prompt
Where do I feel emotionally held? Where do I feel like I’m performing?
Pay attention to the physical sensations that arise with each answer. Your body often holds clarity your mind is still sorting through.
Why This Matters
Loneliness and disconnection are not personal failures—they are deeply human experiences. February can be a powerful time to reframe love as safety, presence, and authenticity. By moving toward relationships that support emotional truth and mutual care, we create space for connection that lasts beyond a single season.
