SZN. 4 Ep. 4/ The Gratitude Trap: When Forced Thankfulness Backfires
The Gratitude Trap: When Forced Thankfulness Backfires
By: Alexandria Gohla, MSW, LCSW, Ed.S
Gratitude is one of the most talked-about practices in mental health and wellness spaces. From journals to holiday dinner traditions, we’re told that gratitude improves mood, lowers stress, and makes us more resilient. And research supports much of this — gratitude interventions have been shown to increase well-being and reduce depressive symptoms (Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 2003).
But here’s the catch: gratitude can backfire when it’s forced or used to dismiss real pain. This is sometimes called toxic positivity or the gratitude trap.
What is the Gratitude Trap?
The gratitude trap happens when people use “thankfulness” as a way to suppress or invalidate difficult emotions. For example:
A parent struggling with burnout is told, “You should just be grateful you have healthy kids.”
Someone grieving the loss of a loved one hears, “At least you still have other family.”
A person feeling lonely during the holidays tries to convince themselves, “I should be thankful I even have food on the table.”
Instead of feeling better, they feel guilt for not being “grateful enough.”
The Psychology of Forced Gratitude
Research on emotional suppression shows that ignoring or minimizing negative feelings actually increases stress and lowers emotional resilience (Gross & John, 2003). Gratitude is most effective when it coexists with authenticity — when we acknowledge hard emotions and find space for appreciation.
In fact, a 2019 study in Emotion found that gratitude was most beneficial when practiced flexibly, not rigidly. Forcing gratitude creates shame, while mindful gratitude nurtures growth.
How to Navigate Gratitude Authentically
1. Allow Room for Mixed Emotions
Gratitude doesn’t mean you have to erase sadness, anger, or grief. Instead, let gratitude and pain sit side by side: “I miss my loved one deeply, and I’m grateful for the memories we shared.”
2. Redefine Gratitude as Small Moments
You don’t have to feel grateful for everything. Instead, focus on one genuine, specific thing: the warmth of a mug of tea, the comfort of a cozy blanket, the way the sunlight hits the table.
3. Use “Both/And” Language
Instead of “I shouldn’t feel this way, I should be grateful,” try: “I feel lonely, and I’m also thankful my friend texted me today.” This keeps both realities valid.
4. Journal With Curiosity, Not Obligation
If you keep a gratitude journal, release the pressure to fill a list daily. Try writing once or twice a week, focusing on depth instead of quantity.
5. Share Gratitude Outwardly
Gratitude can feel more powerful when it’s expressed. Write a note to a friend, send a quick text of appreciation, or tell a coworker what you value about them. Genuine connection amplifies gratitude’s benefits.
This season, give yourself permission to feel both the joy and the pain. Gratitude is not about silencing your emotions — it’s about noticing life’s small anchors even in the storm.
If you’re struggling with guilt around “not being grateful enough” or feeling invalidated by others’ comments, therapy can help you reclaim your authentic voice. At Bluebird Counseling Services, we create space for the full range of human emotions — no toxic positivity required. Reach out today and let’s walk together toward genuine healing.
