SZN. 4 Ep. 24/Why Does Everything Feel So Mentally Exhausting?
Why Does Everything Feel So Mentally Exhausting?
Alexandria Gohla, MSW, LCSW, Ed.S
Have you ever had a day where, technically, nothing that bad happened—and yet by the end of it, you are completely done?
You don't want to make dinner.
You don't want to answer another text.
You don't want anyone to ask you a question.
And you definitely don't want someone to walk into the room and say, “What are we doing this weekend?”
Because you genuinely cannot make one more decision.
The frustrating part is that sometimes you can't even point to what made you so tired.
You didn't have some major crisis. You weren't running around every second of the day. Maybe you even had a chance to sit down.
So why are you exhausted?
It might have less to do with how much you physically did and more to do with how much your brain has been carrying.
The Work No One Can See
We usually think about responsibilities in terms of tasks.
Doing the laundry. Taking the kids to school. Going to work. Making dinner. Scheduling an appointment.
But there's a whole layer of work that happens before, during, and after those tasks.
You have to notice that something needs to happen.
You have to remember it.
You have to decide when to do it.
You have to figure out how it fits around everything else.
You have to anticipate what might interfere.
You might have to remind someone else.
And then you have to remember to check whether it actually happened.
That is the mental load.
And unlike a basket of laundry sitting in the middle of your bedroom, most of it is invisible.
No one sees you remembering at 2:00 p.m. that your kid needs a white shirt for something at school on Friday.
No one sees you mentally calculating whether you have enough groceries to make it through Thursday.
No one sees you thinking about the friend you haven't responded to, the work deadline coming up, the prescription that needs to be refilled, or the birthday present you still haven't ordered.
You're not necessarily doing any of those things at that moment.
But your brain is holding all of them.
And holding things takes energy.
It's Not Just About Being Busy
This is where I think we sometimes get burnout wrong.
We look at our calendars to decide whether we're “allowed” to be exhausted.
I shouldn't be this tired. I didn't even do that much today.
But busyness and mental exhaustion aren't the same thing.
You can have a relatively quiet day and still spend most of it thinking, anticipating, worrying, organizing, and switching your attention between competing demands.
Your brain doesn't only expend energy when you're physically completing a task.
It expends energy keeping track of the tasks that haven't happened yet.
It's why you can sit on the couch for an hour and somehow still not feel rested.
Your body stopped.
Your brain didn't.
The Curse of Being the Person Who Remembers
In a lot of families, relationships, friendships, and even workplaces, one person slowly becomes the person who knows.
They know what time everyone needs to leave.
They know when the forms are due.
They know what's running low.
They know whose birthday is coming up.
They know what needs to be packed.
They know what the weekend plans are.
They know when the dog needs medication.
They know who needs to be where and when.
Sometimes this happens because we're naturally organized.
Sometimes it's because we genuinely like planning.
Sometimes we've learned that things won't happen unless we take care of them.
And sometimes being needed feels good.
But there's a downside to becoming the person who knows everything:
Eventually, everyone starts expecting you to know everything.
Including you.
That's when competence can quietly become overfunctioning.
You notice something needs to happen, so you handle it.
Someone forgets, so you remind them.
Someone doesn't know how to do something, so you figure it out.
It's quicker to do it yourself.
And eventually, you're managing responsibilities that other perfectly capable people could be carrying.
Then you wonder why you're so tired.
“Just Tell Me What You Need Me to Do”
This phrase deserves its own section.
Because if you've ever tried to explain mental load to someone, you've probably heard:
“Just tell me what you need me to do.”
And yes, that can come from a genuinely helpful place.
But it can also completely miss the point.
If I have to identify the task, decide what needs to happen, explain it to you, and potentially remind you about it later, I'm still managing the task.
You completed it.
But I owned it.
There is a big difference between someone saying:
“Tell me what groceries we need and I'll go to the store.”
and:
“I've got groceries this week.”
One requires assistance.
The other transfers responsibility.
And sometimes what an overwhelmed person desperately needs isn't more help.
It's fewer things to own.
When You're Carrying Everyone's Feelings Too
The mental load isn't always logistical.
Sometimes we're carrying people.
You notice your partner seems irritated.
Your child is quieter than usual.
Your friend hasn't responded.
Your coworker's email sounded weird.
And your brain immediately gets to work.
Are they mad?
Did I do something?
Should I ask?
Do they need something?
How can I make this better?
Some people are incredibly skilled at reading the emotional temperature of a room.
That can be a strength.
It can also be exhausting.
Because noticing someone else's emotions doesn't automatically make those emotions your responsibility.
Your partner can be disappointed.
Your friend can be frustrated.
Your child can have a bad day.
Someone can misunderstand you.
You can care deeply about the people around you without assuming responsibility for making sure everyone feels okay all the time.
That's another form of putting something down.
Why “Take a Bubble Bath” Isn't Solving This
When someone is overwhelmed, we love to prescribe self-care.
Take a bath.
Get your nails done.
Go for a walk.
Watch a show.
And there's nothing wrong with any of those things. I love doing things that make us feel good.
But sometimes we're trying to solve a load problem with a rest solution.
You can go get a massage and still spend the entire hour thinking about everything you have to do afterward.
You can take a day off work and use it to catch up on laundry, appointments, errands, and household tasks.
You can sit down to watch Netflix while simultaneously making a grocery list in your head.
Technically, you're resting.
But you're still carrying everything.
Sometimes self-care isn't adding something relaxing to your schedule.
Sometimes self-care is removing something from it.
Maybe You Don't Need a Better System
This is where we have to be careful.
Because when we're overwhelmed, the solution is often presented as:
Get more organized.
Buy a planner.
Meal prep.
Create a morning routine.
Wake up earlier.
Use this app.
Make this checklist.
And those things can absolutely help.
But sometimes we're trying to organize an amount of responsibility that was unreasonable to begin with.
You cannot productivity-hack your way out of carrying too much.
At some point, we have to ask a different question.
Not:
How can I get better at managing all of this?
But:
Why am I managing all of this in the first place?
That question can be uncomfortable.
Because putting things down sometimes means letting other people do things differently than we would.
It can mean tolerating someone else's discomfort.
It can mean saying no.
It can mean letting something be good enough.
It can mean allowing another adult to forget something—and experience the natural consequence of forgetting it.
And yes, sometimes it means the thing doesn't get done.
What Can Leave Your Brain?
If you're reading this and thinking, Okay, great. I'm carrying too much. But somebody still has to do all of this, I get it.
You probably can't dramatically restructure your entire life this afternoon.
So don't.
Start smaller.
Look at what's currently taking up space in your brain and ask:
Does this need to be mine?
Could someone else own it?
Could it be automated?
Could it happen less frequently?
Could you make one decision now instead of repeatedly making the same decision?
Could it be written somewhere so your brain doesn't have to remember it?
Could it be done imperfectly?
Could it simply…not happen?
That last one might be my favorite.
Because sometimes we have to remember that not everything needs a solution.
Not every invitation needs a yes.
Not every text needs an immediate response.
Not every problem needs you to fix it.
Not every uncomfortable emotion needs you to make it better.
Not every task deserves the same level of energy.
And not everything that could be done actually needs to be done.
You Might Not Need More Energy. You Might Need More Space.
If you've been feeling mentally exhausted lately, pay attention to what your brain is doing throughout the day—not just what your body is doing.
How many things are you remembering?
How many decisions are you making?
How far into the future are you constantly planning?
How many people's needs are you anticipating?
How many unfinished tasks are living rent-free in your brain?
And how much of it have you decided you should be able to handle because you've always handled it before?
Maybe the goal isn't to become someone who can carry more.
Maybe it's to become more intentional about what you're willing to carry at all.
Because sometimes the answer to “Why am I so tired?” isn't that you need more sleep, a better planner, or a more productive morning routine.
Sometimes you're tired because your brain has been working all day on things no one else can see.
And maybe it's time for some of those things to stop being yours.
